I DON"T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!

politics, smolitics. i am sitting in my sister's house and the topic of politics and sex are in the surrounding conversation. it's funny how everyone is a philisopher; everyone has an opinion. i don't say that as if that is a bad thing. it's not necessarily a good thing either. it is what it is. the thing is, me included, people share what their opinion is despite the possibility that no one cares. as the conversation continues i fight the urge to include myself. i want to practice some selfcontrol; prove to myself that i don't have to share what i thought. honestly, it feels good to actually listen for once. it has been awhile since i have just listened, without an alterior motive. i am not trying to impress anyone, i am quiet because i am not in the mood to talk. all who know me know this will not be a regular occurance, as i love for people to know exactly what i think, but this is an opportunity to remember the beauty of silence, of being still. why have we not recognized the brilliance of silence. i talk and talk and talk until my words become so embedded in my brain that i can not sleep at night. a little quiet could do me some good. maybe at least i'll get some sleep.

The good, the bad and the bittersweet of it all...

I am not sure that if someone would have told me how much life changes when you become engaged to THE ONE( I stress the one because you can be engaged, it matters who you are engaged to) that I would have belived them. Sorry, mom, you told me so. You realize what love is when you start to evalute things in your life and decide that if it hurts the one you love than things have to change. See, I am a naturally selfish person, I want what I want when I want it ( my sister is going to read this and she is probably going to second the motion) but it's funny how I don't want to be selfish anymore. I want to love Stephen as myself because, according to all that I have interpreted from Genesis, we are one. I am him and he is me, not literally obviously, unless Stephen is a figment of my imagination and everyone else has been too nice to tell me any different, but I digress. What I am saying is that marriage, and read very closely while you soak this in if you are single, readers, is bittersweet. There is so much I can not wait for; I can't wait to marry Stephen and spend my life learning to love him more and more everyday. As romantic as that sounds though, and as excited as I am it is a huge compromise. You miss friends you thought you would never lose touch with, best friends become your afterthought and it becomes harder to gain a larger sense of community. I will get so many more pros than cons when I marry Stephen but it is wise to face it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. Take this for what it is worth. This is just one huge extraordinary occurance in the grand scale of ordinary.

ProcrASStination

Guess I am not the only person to come up with such a witty blog title, but I had to to emphasize the ASS in procrasstination because that is what I feel like today. It is Friday, Nov 24th and I have so much homework due by this next week that I am amazed that I am actually sitting here complaning about all the work I have to do.

I am really looking forward to going to see my family in December. I am going to Conneticut with Stephen and my niece to visit my mom and dad. It has been way too long since I have seen them. I am listening to a song by CeCe Winans called "Alabaster Box." It is a beautiful represenatation of Mary coming to Jesus and washing his feet with her hair with expensive oils.

One thing that I think about often is the freedom Mary must have felt when she came before Christ and demonstrated such an amazing act of gratitude. Finally, someone set her free from all the guilt and shame she had been living with. I am a creature of habit, as I am sure many of us are and so often am condemed by my feelings of guilt and shame.

What would I have to offer Christ to end this feeling of unimportance? What could I give? My life. Man, what does that require though. I'll know and then tuck it so far back that it will not surface until I can barely breath in or out.

I bet Mary's chest so effortlessly lifted up and down as she poured the oil on Christ's feet and began wiping them with her hair. Taking off all the access and looking up at the man that showed her greater love than any one night stand could; knowing that life could never be the same. She had recieved it all. She needed nothing more because Christ gave it all to her with the very act of forgiving her sins. I am pretty sure this would have been Mary's song had she been given the opportunity to record her voice for all the masses to enjoy:

Turnin' molehills into mountains,Makin' big deals out of small ones,Bearing gifts as if they're burdens,This is how it's been.Fear of coming out of my shell,Too many things I can't do too well,afraid I'll try real hard, and I'll fail--This is how it's been.Till the day You pounded on my heart's door,And You shouted joyfully,"You're not a slave anymore!" "You're free to dance-Forget about your two left feet And you're free to sing-even joyful noise is music to Me You're free to love,'Cause I've given you My love ,and it's made you free. My mind finds hard to believeThat You became humanity and changed the course of history,Because You loved me so.And my heart cannot understandWhy You'd accept me as I am,But You say You've always had a plan,And that's all I need to know.So when I am consumed by what the world will say,it's Then You're singing to me, as You remove my chains. Free from worry, free from envy and denialFree to live, free to give, free to smile

On a completely differnet note (lalal). Here is a picture of Stephen and I at Ashleigh's wedding.

Long Break

So, I decided to change up my blog a bit. It seemed so dark and depressing. I know circumstances can't be what causes good and bad days but things are not as low as they have been. I figured I needed to have a blog, an outlet, that represented the fact that things are chancing in my life and in myself.

Yeah, marriage is a new chapter in my life, or at least it will be in March, but my whole attitude towards God and life are changing. I am not even sure I can put into words all that God has done in my life. I have recently begun taking classes so that I can earn my M.S. in Counseling. I am more convinced then ever before that I will never have my own practice but rather this will be a way to advance me to the next step I wish to take in my future. This next step would be to work with Middle/ Highschoolers in a Christian school setting, teaching religion/Bible classes.

I am well aware that this is not a dream job for most but to me this would be the most satisfying job I could ever do in my life, well except record my own music and perform it in front of small venues. I love working with this age group because there is so much potential and so much molding and shaping that needs to happen. I remember when I was in seventh grade I really began to grow into myself. I started loving music, being serious about my relationship with Christ and enjoying people investing me; I actually started to appreciate positive role models in my life.

I hope that it does not take me as long as it did to write another blog but you know how life can be busy. Thank you for all who have been supportive of my engagement. I am learning how valuable it is to have positive people in your life. I want to say HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all. Please let me know all the things you guys are really thankful for this year and don't forget to tell people, everyday, how thankful you are for them.

Peace

Some may say I am crazy...

Well, it certainly has been too long. A lot has happened that I will never be able to write about. A lot of ordinary things that have lead up to extrodinary happenings. I am getting married. It seems almost too good to be true. Even sitting here typing those words out is sobering. It makes it more real.

His name is Stephen and he is wonderful, better than I would have ever known or ever dreamed. The most amazing this is, though is that my eyes have truly been open to what I believe being in love actually means. When I met Stephen he had so many characteristic I always thought would turn me off but I am completely in love with them. Yes, they annoy the crap out of me at times, but I would rather live every day with those little annoyances than one day without Stephen.

It sounds funny but in some ways that reminds me of the glory of God. Better is one day in God's presence than thousands elsewhere. I could see how I would be the only one to get the reference. haha

The biggest reason for this post was to let all those that I don't talk to on a regular basis in on my life. The wedding is set for March 3, 2007. I am uber psyched.

"Sing, Sing a Song, Sing Out Loud Sing Out Strong."

Today was the first day of camps here at the good ol' C-N. We host camps such as: Centrifuge, Crosspoint, Appalachian Outreach, ect... I went to the Centrifuge worship tonight and I really enjoyed myself. It was the typical rockstar theme, driven service but the songs were wonderful and familar as was the nagging feeling that God is wanting to use still.

WOW!!! Can I be candid with you readers for a second? I planned to write this really heartfelt entry so I got comfortable. I unbuttoned the pants, turned on the tunes, and took off my shoes. Taking off my shoes was a huge mistake....let me tell you. THEY SMELL HORRIBLE!!!! You may be saying, " so wash them," or maybe you are saying," who gives a crap." I would understand both of these reactions but I digress. The point of my entry was to describe the overwhelming feeling that I had tonight to actually use my talents for Christ.

I was in a band in college called Seed Company. To many it was a low-budget band but to me it was a chance to be who God designed me to be. I wrote music, lyrics actually, and I was empowered and sure of myself, more so then than I have been in awhile. I can't decribe the way I feel when I am singing and I wouldn't want to because those moments I am singing, and glorifying God with the talent he has given me, I feel like no one can touch me. Those moments are mine.

I miss it so much it sometimes hurts to think about. To hear my voice resonating in an auditorioum, in front of a crowd consisting of few or many, is like no other feeling I have ever realy experienced. I find that those moments are enhanced when I have connected with God and I have not one selfish intention in my heart; when I have truly surrened and asked God to search my heart.

Simple as that...

I remember reading a verse in John that spoke about simplicity. I was eating dinner tonight and an episode of Everybody Loves Ramond was on. I decided to watch and I belive that I got a mental picture of what the author of John was talking about. The episode took place in Italy and Ramond, the main character, is not having fun on their trip to Italy. He is not spending time with his kids and has caught a cold. He is wrapped up with the worries of the day. He decides to go for a walk, with his mother, and as he and his mother are walking through Italy, Ramond begins to notice all that surrounds him. He notices the color of the water, the feeling of the air. His senses begin to be bombarded by the beauty of Italy. As his mother stops to pick up some meat at the village deli, Ramond notices two children playing soccer through the streets. The two boys kick the ball to Ramond and he plays soccer with them for an instant. After the boys run off, continuing their game elsewhere, Ramond notices a pizza shop and orders a piece of pizza. He bites into the Italian pizza and is amazed by the taste. He asks the man who made the pizza and the man, in broken English, answers that he made the pizza himself. Ramond, in awe of the taste of the pizza, calls the man a genius. I believe that Ramond, at that moment, lets the simplicity that surrounds him take hold of his senses, his attitude, his being. As Ramond's mom exists the deli she begins to go on talking of what she was talking about before. This time Ramond listens closely to what she is saying and responds with care and love.

As I watched them walk down the street, signaling the end of the show, I began to cry. Yes, it was a beautiful episode but I was crying because I knew that life can really be that simple; as simple as taking a bite of pizza and soaking in all that is good and peaceful despite the choas that corners us and beats us down with the horrors of this age. We have Christ. He came so that we could breathe in the new life He died to give us. He literally died so that we could have new life, "abundant life." A life so rich and full of flavor that once we take a bite " and see that the Lord is good," contentment and peace wash over us. Father, I want to take advantage of the proverbial manna that you bless us with everyday. I don't want to take my life so seriously but I know that means that I have to be willing to sacrafice those things that deaden my taste buds and that is where the battle begins. There are things and choices that I do not want to give up. I do not want to wake up on Sundays and go to church or take time out of my busy schedule, of channel surfing, to spend time with you. But, I really, deep down, so far down that I barely know it's there sometimes, do because I love you and want all the blessings you have to offer me.